Guess what, I’m an alien! (Chapter 5)

20th of January, 2020

Today it’s meant to be the most depressing day of the year but I’m over the moon! Christmas is over and the calm has been restored. Dave (sorry, Santa Claus) was a total sweetheart and gave me a pair of wonderful handmade woollen socks which happened to fit me perfectly (I’ll save them for the summer though: now it’s far too hot to wear them anyway). He said he knitted them himself. I know it was his grandma.

I would have never thought I could eat so much food in such a reduced timeframe. So yes, I am a bit chubbier than usual but still looking cool. I signed up at the gym and started trying things out. I did a bit of running in a thing very similar to a conveyor belt of a supermarket. After 678 seconds, the evil machine started beeping like crazy. I should have seen this coming. A friendly gentleman quickly approached me to check if I was feeling dizzy. “I haven’t been better!” – I assured him, with a big smile. His eyes almost popped out.

Later on, I found a really cool looking bike, so I climbed up and started pedalling. Between you and me: changing the duvet cover is way more appealing than all this pedalling to nowhere. After a bit of wandering around and observing all sorts of creatures, hairstyles and outfits, I found a mysterious wooden room.

I couldn’t see much when I got inside, even with my glasses on, but I quickly noticed that the fellow next to me was sweating enough to fill in at least a pint of water. I immediately got goosebumps and I started shivering. Very intriguing indeed. Just so you get an idea of the place, it was like a wooden freezer. I’ll have to ask Dave about its purpose. The only thing I know is that next time I’ll bring my ski suit, glove, hat… and a head torch.

 

Hungry for more? 😉

Sun-kissed banana skin

Someone should have warned me about this. I mean, I knew about the bagpipes. The rain. The Highland cows. But this? Is it a gift for Pomona, the Roman Goddess of fruit and nut trees? A Celtic ritual? A prank? First, it was a banana skin. Then, a handful of grapes. Maybe it’s just a genuine act of goodwill. But hey, whoever left the skin of a banana wasn’t feeling too generous, don’t you think? 

The thing is that every time I return the shopping cart after my grocery shopping, I experience an extremely disturbing sensation as if someone was watching me. Even when there is no one around, I still get the same odd feeling. Morning and evening. Weekdays and weekends. Like two sharp knives tickling softly the back of my neck.

I nervously get my 1 pound coin back and I start walking: straight back, shoulders down and chin up. Usually, things fall off my bags and once I almost hit a lamppost. No matter what happens, I don’t stop walking. I have to get away from the supermarket ASAP.

When I start crossing the road, I get goosebumps. And then, that strange beeping in my right ear which lasts 27 minutes on average. As you might be thinking, I’m starting to dread my weekly shopping. And it used to be my favourite thing to do. I would even offer to shop for my friends! I’ve tried shopping in several supermarkets (even in different cities) but nothing seems to work. 

Now I can’t help but wonder if I should be leaving some fruit on my cart too. Who knows, perhaps this way my nightmare would end. Maybe a kiwi? Some tangerines? Strawberries? How could I be sure that it would be appropriate? Sweet would be a safer choice than sour, right? I wouldn’t want to offend anyone. Here I am, at 2 am, wondering what fruit I should leave at my cart tomorrow. Without having made a final decision, tomorrow I will go to the supermarket. And the knives will tickle me again and again… 

Websters Land: You’re Only Allowed If You’re Good With Computers

Websters Land

Websters Land: only certain people were allowed there.

How to get in

First of all, the requirements were secret and confidential, so if you wanted to join the club, you had to request an appointment and wait to be assessed. There was no way one could prepare for it, as you would do for an audition or exam, and that was part of the deal.

Mysterious sights

Looking through the bars, I spotted an intriguing sign: “No items to be left in the walkway or chained to railings”. Was it a minimalist club? Some sort of feng shui gang? Or maybe the assessment took place in the walkway and that’s why it had to be hazard-free and empty. Why would they need so much space in the first place?

Maybe it was all about a fight, a dance or a Twister competition. One could just dream and wonder. It was equally exciting and terrifying. If you signed up for one of the assessment sessions, you would sign a contract agreeing to basically everything. Just between you and me, I’ve applied 99 times in the last month. Much to my surprise, they never got back to me a single time. I’m not entirely sure what might have gone wrong.    

Sweet old Websters Land. I guess a decent degree of computer literacy would help pass the test. What else could ‘webster’ mean? It’s surprisingly close to the word ‘hipster’ and ladies and gentlemen, I do not believe in coincidences.

A webster must be someone who is cool with computers. Someone who writes code while making homemade vegan meatballs. Someone trendy. Websters Land is the paradise of IPs, binary code and cookies. And I can’t wait to be part of it. I’ll just need to apply one more time and hope not to land on the SPAM folder. Maybe this time I’ll be able to find out what’s all this about. Or maybe I’ll never will. Maybe it’s all just a big computer-generated dream. Wait, is it 7 am already?! 

Disclaimer: webster is an archaic term for ‘weaver’ (someone whose job is to weave cloth). I do not take any responsibility for the confusion created within the human population, linguists and IT professionals.    

No Need for Binoculars

It was very toasty in there. It wasn’t necessarily good or bad. But it was definitely something worth mentioning. And there was a really annoying noise in the background. I don’t know how to describe it. It was hard to focus on the job.

Every 10 minutes or so, a light breeze would come in and someone would stare at us. Just between you and me, the situation was quite violent. I don’t remember signing any papers agreeing to this kind of treatment. Did you? And there was no place to hide, which made things even worse! We were clearly not ready. Why couldn’t he just leave us alone?

I swear I tried to make it clear, but the fellow wouldn’t get it, and simply kept staring with this annoying hesitant look on his face. I mean, yeah. One could possibly blame Hitchcock for “Rear Window” and the peeping theme. But. Here, there were no cameras or binoculars involved. And the fellow was anything but discreet. Oh, and that filthy thing underneath us.

First things first, it was so shiny I could barely open my eyes. And last but not least, it made me want to scratch my skin like a psycho. But for reasons only God knows, I couldn’t, and I guess I’ll never be able to. I guess being a chicken nugget is not an easy job, my friends. Stay strong!

Guess what, I’m an alien! (Chapter 4)

10th of December, 2019

I have 2 friends and a half. Yipee! And no, I didn’t cut anyone in half. Yet. It’s just that we’re almost friends, but we’re not quite there yet. I think there’s potential though. About 74.3%.

15th of December, 2019

I met up with Dave last night. We had a blast. Please don’t judge me, but I tried one of the “funny” drinks: gin and tonic. I felt nothing apart from bubbles in my tummy and a tickly sensation in my nose that made me sneeze. 5 times in a row. No clumsiness, redness or talking nonsense. To be honest, in a way I’m relieved, but also a bit disappointed.

18th of December, 2019

Dave is a 3D printing specialist. He does really cool stuff. He has printed me some kickass 3-eyed-glasses and I can’t thank him enough. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I go back to the opticians and take a goosey gander around the shop, just for fun. You’d be amazed at the number of chin drops! I bet they’d all sell their kidneys to get glasses as cool as mine!

Apparently, Christmas is coming (to town). Everyone is pumped and I feel utterly confused. The dazzling lights give me an ocular migraine. Dave’s been trying to explain it to me but I’m not sure I got it. Everyone shops like crazy. And here’s the important bit: no matter what they buy, they need to wrap it with fancy shiny paper! Is it a protective measure? Just for fun? Are they embarrassed by what they bought? Worried that the police might find out? Think about it: why would you hide something you’ve just bought? It looks suspicious. I’ll need to ask Dave. There are all sorts of information on Google but I’m not sure if the sources are reliable. I’d rather check with a local. Oh, and then there’s this chubby grandpa with a big white beard constantly ringing a bell… Life is so weird here.

Ready for our little alien’s next adventure?

Guess what, I’m an alien! (Chapter 3)

16th of November, 2019

I miss my friends. I miss our evenings playing hide and seek with the stars. Our meteor cakes. And swimming in sweet water. My closest connections tend to describe me as a cheerful individual because I’m usually smiling and I have a good sense of humour. Truth is I struggle sometimes. I know there is no longer space for me up there. It’s just so hard to accept that I’ll never be able to go back home.

19th of November, 2019

I called my mum yesterday night. I sent her a picture of the 5x4cm purple stain on my arm and she said she’d ask our doctor for advice. My degree of homesickness is dangerously reaching 89%, so I’ve decided I need to stop moaning and try to make myself at home here. I’d like to make some new connections. I need a plan.

24th of November, 2019

I went to my first Couchsurfing meetup today. I didn’t know what to expect, to be honest. Surfing on the sofa sounded fun. I brought my diving suit and towel with me to feel prepared. We met in a pub, and I quickly realised there would be no sofas and certainly no surfing. Just drinking. Some drinks here have very weird side effects: unstoppable giggling, clumsiness, talking nonsense and getting red cheeks. I’ve been observing it for the last couple of weeks. It’s actually quite fun. I usually stick to water, just to be on the safe side. I’m too scared of any abnormal skin reactions. But maybe one day, who knows. Just one tiny sip…

What happens next?

Guess what, I’m an alien! (Chapter 2)

8th of November, 2019

I’ve been thinking of going to the beach for a while now. Sandcastles, water and jellyfish seem like an interesting combination. I’m a bit nervous because it’ll be my first time.

I did some research to ease my mind and found out that I need a swimsuit, a towel, flip-flops and sunscreen. I still haven’t figured out what sunscreen factor would be more suitable for my skin. I’ve been looking everywhere, but there’s no information on slimy emerald green #046307 skin.

I’ve never had to use sunscreen before: actually, I didn’t even know that such a thing existed. I think I miss our moonlight. Anyway, the pharmacist almost had a heart attack when I asked him for advice, so I ended up choosing one randomly, leaving the coins on the counter and rushing outside.

Back home, I applied a bit of sunscreen on my left arm, just to try it out. My beautiful skin turned PUR-PLE! Purple and green… It’s like the beginning of a horror story! I tried to wash it out but the colour kept changing: orange, black, yellow, purple again… What a disgrace! I really wanted to enjoy the sunshine but my whole body turning purple wasn’t an option.

Luckily, I ended up finding a bargain on eBay: a diving suit. Of course, it didn’t fit me properly so I had to make some alterations here and there. Getting a towel? Easy-peasy. I just couldn’t find any flip-flops size 76.4 so I decided to go barefoot like I always do. Apparently, walking barefoot on the sand is good for you anyway.

12th of November, 2019

Oh, what a day. Much to my surprise, the beach was completely empty. But it was so hot outside! I wonder where everyone went. I mean, 8ºC? Unbearable. Anyway, I drove to the beach with all my equipment and set up camp. I sunbathed for 39 seconds. Then I went for a swim.

Swimming has relaxed me since I was a child. We used to go to the lake with my parents every second Sunday. I should give them a call sometime. Let’s set a reminder at 4:58:03. So, back to the water. I was about to bump into some strange orange balloons when my hands started to itch like hell. I made an enormous effort not to scratch, I swear. I focused on my breath. On my toenails. On my belly button. But nothing worked. I swam back to the beach and sat down in despair, feeling every inch of my skin getting stuck on the diving suit. Yuck. I googled like there was no tomorrow using voice recognition (my hands were too sore to type) until I found out the issue: the sea has salty water! Heaven’s sake! Whose idea was it?!  

Hungry for more? 🙂

Guess What, I’m an Alien! (Chapter 1)

28th of May, 2019

Today, at 9.07 am the doctor told me I was an alien. An alien? What was that supposed to mean? “You might have noticed you have 3 eyes”. Well, of course. There have always been there. What was the problem with that? “Well, you see… normal people usually have only 2”. Normal people? Usually? Too much for today. I’ll go to sleep and pretend all this never happened.

1st of June, 2019

I can’t read the numbers on the whiteboard but apparently, no one cares. This morning, the optometrist told me that unfortunately, they don’t provide glasses for 3 eyes. “There has never been a need to manufacture 3-eyed glasses in the current market” – he remarked. My migraine is killing me so I wasn’t ready to give up yet: “Is there any alternative? Contact lenses maybe?” He had to check with his manager.

After 2 minutes and 66 seconds, he came over and awkwardly stared at me. He obviously didn’t know where to look, but he was trying to act professionally. He smiled nervously. I jumped to the rescue: “Just choose one eye. It doesn’t really matter which one. But please. Could you provide me with contact lenses? I really struggle to read the signs when I drive”. Oh boy, you should have seen that. His chin dramatically dropped. He started mumbling, trying to find the right words. I interrupted: “What about laser surgery?” Apparently they’ve never performed this procedure to people like me. But hey, how different would that be? They’re just eyes. Why was everyone so scared of them?

Ready for the next chapter? 😉

Every Day is Christmas (According to Cats)

Good morning and thank you kindly for not throwing this beautifully folded leaflet in the recycling bin,

If you are a cat owner looking for some insightful information on how to understand your cat better, let me tell you a secret: you never will! I mean, you’ve come to the right place.

If you are a cat -Congratulations!-, you already know that… Every day is Christmas!

(If you are new to this whole thing of being a cat, don’t worry: we’re here to help).

Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Generosity

Every day is a good day to give your owner a present. You can be old-fashioned or spice things up: there are no rules here. It could be a dead lizard, some white fur on the black suit he was planning to wear the first day of his new job or even some vomit on the carpet -preferably if it had just been professionally cleaned-.

2. Always stylish

Every day is a good day to wear show off your lovely Christmas jumper. No matter the weather. It will always look cool on you, sexy beast! You’ll be all over Instagram, Telegram and Felinegram. Sure, you’ll probably sweat a bit on warm days but it’ll still be worth it. Pro tip: if the wool gets too itchy and you are tempted to use those magnificent claws that Mama gave you to tear it off, have your personal scratcher handy.

3. Delicious gourmet food

Every day is a good day to have a feast. And we’re talking big: fresh tuna, Greek yoghurt, Scottish salmon and why not, some exquisite dry-cured Spanish ham. If giving puppy eyes to your owner is not your thing, you’ll have to resort to riskier but immensely rewarding methods. Learning how to open -and close!- the fridge, how to safely use a can opener and even becoming an expert in online shopping. YouTube tutorials were a lifesaver for me! However, if you are not the smartest don’t worry, just do some deep digging in the trash and bon appétit.

4. Unsolicited cuddles will NOT be tolerated

Every day is a good day to ask your owner for cuddles. You want me to wait until the 25th of December? Not going to happen! Love and affection will be on display every single day. Curled up on your owner’s bed, sofa or even when he’s in the toilet! There is never a bad time to request -or give, if you are into that too, but never feel obliged as it’s not specifically stated in your contract- cuddles, even when your owner claims to be in a hurry!

5. Always a good host

Every day is a good day to invite all your family over. Just because. Yes, the squirrels from the back garden, the parrot from next door, that annoying lovely mosquito and even the mouse you’ve been chasing behind the walls. Get your fancy cutlery out and spread the butter love! It’s up to you if you want to invite your owner or keep your reunion exclusive. Fair warning: if you struggle to keep things too friendly with the mouse don’t worry, just go for it and see number 1 for further advice. You got this.

6. Restless singing

Every day is a good day to embrace your talent and perform some fabulous Christmas carols to your owner. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Seagull, Jingle Bells, Santa Claws is Coming to Town… The more, the merrier! Give that lung capacity a big boost and be as loud as you can. You’ll release lots of adrenaline and it’ll make you feel amazing. And your owner -and even the neighbours- will love it. Especially at 4 am!

Thank you so much for reading us and Merry Christmas!

Yours faithfully,

Cats for Christmas committee

Filthy Creature

Just look at you: no sign of acne, perfectly groomed hair, disgustingly shiny teeth. It’s true, you seem a decent human being after all, but believe me, people are going to tell. When you get on the bus, when you go buy some milk, they will know. They will stare at you, they will whisper, they will conspire against you. Even if you go to a public toilet in a village that’s 500 miles away, they will still know.

You’re a monster: it’s written on your face. Go get yourself a whip! A rope! Electric chair? Those sweet eyes… The same tone of brown, but yet, so different. Oh, sweet little Sophie. When she’s back from school, she will ask you to play. Puzzles, trains, teddy bears. She will ask for love. Love! What can that filthy thing possibly know about love? Nothing. It was born in hell. Lives surrounded by dirt.

You clean, you scrub, you sterilise. That’s your job. Your one and only duty. Five times a day. Latex gloves are your best friends. Spotless could be your surname. But that thing was born to destroy. And you are the only one who manned up and dared to squeeze your hands around its little neck… Just the right amount of pressure. Slightly tighter towards the end. 20 seconds was all it took. You still don’t get it? A hero, Nietzsche’s superman, God! A Nobel prize? Come on, don’t make me laugh. It won’t be enough. Nothing would ever be enough.

People are so tiny, these days. They just tiptoe through life doing small and insignificant stuff. But remember, you’re not like them. You were born to do magnificent things, to stand out, to shine! Like its tiny brown eyes. They were shiny after all. Same colour as its filthy fur. Probably it had a family. Everyone has one, right? They must wonder why it didn’t come back home yesterday for dinner. And its meal got cold like its relatives’ heart, waiting and trying not to expect the worst. Probably they all have brown eyes. Like me. Like my daughter.

Jesus Christ, how can you be so weak? You’re disgustingly disappointing. Pathetic. Come on, go cry on your mother’s lap… Your daughter deserves someone better. You ARE someone better. That disgusting creature… Wait, I think I can hear that scratching noise again. Shut up. Listen care-ful-ly. Do not move, hold your breath. The rats are back. Missing your sweet little son already? Do not worry, you’ll be with him very soon.