Guess what, I’m an alien! (Chapter 4)

10th of December, 2019

I have 2 friends and a half. Yipee! And no, I didn’t cut anyone in half. Yet. It’s just that we’re almost friends, but we’re not quite there yet. I think there’s potential though. About 74.3%.

15th of December, 2019

I met up with Dave last night. We had a blast. Please don’t judge me, but I tried one of the “funny” drinks: gin and tonic. I felt nothing apart from bubbles in my tummy and a tickly sensation in my nose that made me sneeze. 5 times in a row. No clumsiness, redness or talking nonsense. To be honest, in a way I’m relieved, but also a bit disappointed.

18th of December, 2019

Dave is a 3D printing specialist. He does really cool stuff. He has printed me some kickass 3-eyed-glasses and I can’t thank him enough. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I go back to the opticians and take a goosey gander around the shop, just for fun. You’d be amazed at the number of chin drops! I bet they’d all sell their kidneys to get glasses as cool as mine!

Apparently, Christmas is coming (to town). Everyone is pumped and I feel utterly confused. The dazzling lights give me an ocular migraine. Dave’s been trying to explain it to me but I’m not sure I got it. Everyone shops like crazy. And here’s the important bit: no matter what they buy, they need to wrap it with fancy shiny paper! Is it a protective measure? Just for fun? Are they embarrassed by what they bought? Worried that the police might find out? Think about it: why would you hide something you’ve just bought? It looks suspicious. I’ll need to ask Dave. There are all sorts of information on Google but I’m not sure if the sources are reliable. I’d rather check with a local. Oh, and then there’s this chubby grandpa with a big white beard constantly ringing a bell… Life is so weird here.

Ready for our little alien’s next adventure?

Every Day is Christmas (According to Cats)

Good morning and thank you kindly for not throwing this beautifully folded leaflet in the recycling bin,

If you are a cat owner looking for some insightful information on how to understand your cat better, let me tell you a secret: you never will! I mean, you’ve come to the right place.

If you are a cat -Congratulations!-, you already know that… Every day is Christmas!

(If you are new to this whole thing of being a cat, don’t worry: we’re here to help).

Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Generosity

Every day is a good day to give your owner a present. You can be old-fashioned or spice things up: there are no rules here. It could be a dead lizard, some white fur on the black suit he was planning to wear the first day of his new job or even some vomit on the carpet -preferably if it had just been professionally cleaned-.

2. Always stylish

Every day is a good day to wear show off your lovely Christmas jumper. No matter the weather. It will always look cool on you, sexy beast! You’ll be all over Instagram, Telegram and Felinegram. Sure, you’ll probably sweat a bit on warm days but it’ll still be worth it. Pro tip: if the wool gets too itchy and you are tempted to use those magnificent claws that Mama gave you to tear it off, have your personal scratcher handy.

3. Delicious gourmet food

Every day is a good day to have a feast. And we’re talking big: fresh tuna, Greek yoghurt, Scottish salmon and why not, some exquisite dry-cured Spanish ham. If giving puppy eyes to your owner is not your thing, you’ll have to resort to riskier but immensely rewarding methods. Learning how to open -and close!- the fridge, how to safely use a can opener and even becoming an expert in online shopping. YouTube tutorials were a lifesaver for me! However, if you are not the smartest don’t worry, just do some deep digging in the trash and bon appétit.

4. Unsolicited cuddles will NOT be tolerated

Every day is a good day to ask your owner for cuddles. You want me to wait until the 25th of December? Not going to happen! Love and affection will be on display every single day. Curled up on your owner’s bed, sofa or even when he’s in the toilet! There is never a bad time to request -or give, if you are into that too, but never feel obliged as it’s not specifically stated in your contract- cuddles, even when your owner claims to be in a hurry!

5. Always a good host

Every day is a good day to invite all your family over. Just because. Yes, the squirrels from the back garden, the parrot from next door, that annoying lovely mosquito and even the mouse you’ve been chasing behind the walls. Get your fancy cutlery out and spread the butter love! It’s up to you if you want to invite your owner or keep your reunion exclusive. Fair warning: if you struggle to keep things too friendly with the mouse don’t worry, just go for it and see number 1 for further advice. You got this.

6. Restless singing

Every day is a good day to embrace your talent and perform some fabulous Christmas carols to your owner. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Seagull, Jingle Bells, Santa Claws is Coming to Town… The more, the merrier! Give that lung capacity a big boost and be as loud as you can. You’ll release lots of adrenaline and it’ll make you feel amazing. And your owner -and even the neighbours- will love it. Especially at 4 am!

Thank you so much for reading us and Merry Christmas!

Yours faithfully,

Cats for Christmas committee

Keeping the Magic Alive

I know it’s not Christmas yet, but I promise you there is an elf running around the streets of Edinburgh. But surprisingly, he is not helping Santa deliver any presents. He is doing something even better.

As you might already know, he works at night so that’s why you have never seen him and you never will. He hides behind a tree, explores the area with an avid glance and when he is 120% sure that there is no one in sight, the fun begins. He quickly tiptoes to the nearest traffic light and BOOM! In less than 8 seconds he finishes the job and can go back to his warm and cosy flat.

Smooth and efficient: that’s why they chose him amongst the 299 other elves who had applied for the position. One traffic light per night, as the contract says. Princes Street, Howe Street… Who knows: maybe your street is next. If I were you I’d go to bed early and refrain from going out at night. Otherwise, he will have no choice but to miss your lovely street. What a shame, I know. But I don’t make the rules: the contract makes it very clear: “If some human catches you in the act, the magic is lost and therefore, you are fired”. So yes, being an elf comes with endless moments of cheerfulness but also requires bags of discipline, responsibility and agility. I swear that the application process was harder than that slice of bread you left on the back of the shelf for more than two weeks.

So please, do him -and yourself- a favour, and the next time you press the button and -impatiently- wait for the traffic light to turn green, take a look around and you might be surprised. Remember: every time you smile, he is smiling back to you. Let’s keep the magic alive. Are you in?